Pulling Punches

I have like what? One, two hours maybe of contentness? Now I'm back to good ol' chocolate cake, or angst. No wait, it's not. It's anger. Nope, still too tame a word. Fury? Ah well you get the point.

I think I've realized what my day-to-day symptoms of depression are caused by. All along I've been worried about belonging. Sure, it is part of the problem. But I realized where it's all been coming from.

I could list names down here, but that would be too blatant, unrestrained. Because believe me, if I were to unleash the full force of my colorful vocabulary, you'd think I was a completely different person. Fine, so I insult people around me on a daily basis, but even so I know where to pull my punches, except where certain sensitive people are concerned- to whom I shall just shut up and tell them what they want to hear.

Day to day, I have people just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. Worthless. Insignificant. And not in the jestful 'I poke you you poke me' kind of way. More like in the way of 'I need you to lose what little self esteem you have so I can make myself feel good about myself'. To put it simply, assholes.

Yes, the world is full of them. You look over at the person sitting beside you in class, heck maybe even your own house and think to yourself 'He's only like that on the outside. He's a good person inside.' In truth, they're going to grow up to become selfish, ignorant, dickheads- and you helped them get there? Why? Because you reward them for their behavior for actually bothering to treat them as human beings instead of the filth that they are. They grow up getting what they want, whenever they want it.

They have issues too, you tell yourself. No one is completely happy. And while you yourself are fully capable of understanding and embracing that fact- they never will. They. Never. Will. Why? Because they've been taught that they are the center of the universe by their hotshot parents, and you helped them reinforce that belief by listening to them whine about the things that they couldn't get for a change because they were things they couldn't fork out cash to get. When have they ever been there for you? When they bought you (fill in blank)? So is friendship that cheap these days that any fuckface with a bank account can afford it? They'd like to think so- if they knew what friendship means to begin with. Friends are a convenience to them. I believe that friends are a privilege. If you got one and managed to keep one without effort, then whatever that thing is, it sure ain't friendship.

Sure it's just human to be depressed (even if it's all the fucking time), right? Everyone comforts him. Everyone rewards him for his attempts at being noticed. Why? Because he has a large wallet, rich parents, and a good haircut. And I guess all you need to be successful in this world is a good haircut. But guess what? He's going to grow up into a selfish, two-faced, bastard. And the world is run by them. They're the reason why good people suffer. They're the reason why good people die. And they're the reason why some of us will never know happiness. We need to realize this, and we need to realize this fast. Before we know it, these greedy, selfish, two-faced liars are stepping on our heads.

The people surrounding him are all ten times the man he is, but they will never know it. And if it weren't for tonight, I wouldn't have realized it either.

But now I do. And I am not going to let myself lose to him. I am not going to let the things he does get to me anymore. Because I'll be fucked if I let him step on my head. God knows he's done enough of that already.

No more pulling punches. Not where this fuckface is concerned. I've learned that in the end, it's necesarry to be brutally honest. Or else nothing is ever going to change.

Current mood: @#!!$%
Current song: Ana Johnson - We Are