I Want Much More Than This Provincial Life

Oh yays, I'm going back tomorrow to send my stuff, as it turns out that we're supposed to go back on Monday and mom and dad won't be available to send me and my cargo then. >< Stupid administration. Why the hell would you make 'coming back to college' day on Monday? Why? Why?

(sigh) Well, I feel pretty crappy now. My mood for wanting to go back there is at an all time low, what with my Seremban trip making me miss school, and the books and movies I've been watching seem to be amplifying my forever unfulfilled desire for much more than I already have. No, I'm not talking about money. Sure, money can buy you pretty much everything a teenager can ask for these days. It would be a comfort, but it's not what I have, and it just isn't what I'm looking for.

I want much more than this provincial life.

I've been warned that this kind of want isn't healthy, because unlike other wants, all the work in the world won't bring it to you. God knows, when I want something, work has never been an issue. Heck, I've worked for things I never really wanted. I've done things I didn't want to do out of repsect for my parents, and in some occasions, friends and other people around me.

This world is all about sacrifice. I dig that now. The idea is you sacrifice something to get something else. But the something else I want is something I'll probably never find in my entire life.

Where you could say Khairul's weakness is his incessant want for love, here's mine:

I want to run. I want to run barefoot through an open field in spring, riding a horse through forests and mountains. I want to brave a snowstorm. I want adventure. I want a journey that isn't measured by status or money, I want a journey that is measured by pure distance, obstacles and challenges. I want to see magic, even. The real kind, not stage tricks. Not David fucking Blaine. I want to see shooting stars, I want to feel the ocean breeze while I'm actually out at sea.

And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand. Not necesarrily a future wife (God knows I'm still not planning for that), just someone, anyone, with whom I can talk about all this and understand.

So that's my refrain. I've met so much wonderful people in my life, but I have yet to meet someone who understands this need to be free, someone who I can actually relate to in these matters.

I'm afraid of losing this dream. But I'm also afraid of holding on to it. Here comes adulthood. Here comes responsiblity, here comes your job, your chains to come bringing you crashing back down to earth. It's only when I think of this that I wish beyond the telling of it, that I was born rich. I don't want new handphones, new laptops, new fancy electronic gadgets. This is the only thing I really Want.

(sighs and powers up Microsoft) And yet, the closest thing I'll ever get...

Current mood: What do you think?
Current music: Nick Lachey- 'What's Left of Me'

'Falling faster, barely breathing, give me something to believe in.
Tell me it's not all in my head.'