Infinite Cold

The weekend's come and past as it always does, too fast. Most of it was spent sleeping, writing, and complaining. Apparently the wireless connections around my chalet are had decided to choose the worst possible time to go all crappy on me. I felt the brunt of it when Maya and Khairul came online last night, and I had to say goodbye to them early. God, I miss Maya so much. Back then I remember that she used to give my life some semblance of meaning, and even now, when things come crashing down, I still feel like I can trust her, even if nowadays she's too busy to reply to us. It comes with the whole 'I'm going to publish my book' thing, so I understand. It's just that Maya represents a time from which I believe I was really happy, a time which I can't possibly ever revisit. No, it's not that I'm unhappy here in KYUEM. From the looks of things, I have lots of friends. Friends to sit with during dinner, friends to laugh at a joke with...

No friends to show my dark side to.

Sometimes I feel like it's all a facade being played around me. People who pretend to be with me aren't really there. Hamzah and Ashraff are 'best friends', and I'm not part of the happening group which Tim, Amir and everyone else seems to be a part of. Noreen, Punit and Aishah, Feera, Aisyah and Syat. Everyone seems to be a part of a circle where I don't fit in. Maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, but hey, that's no big surprise now is it? It just occured to me moments ago, when Ashraff, the insensitive jerk that he is, blatantly pointed out that he and Hamzah were 'special friends' (don't want to know how special), and I wasn't. Well, yipee. Outsider Bal. So I don't think you have to feel so sorry for yourself, Khairul, believe it or not, my situation is worse. It's better to have no friends than having people surrounding you but not knowing if they're really there.

And some people stare at me funny. I guess yeah, I expected things like this to happen. People judge. I can't expect them not to. Oh well, that's something that I've always lived with, and I think I can go on living with it for a while.

In the meantime I'll wait out in the cold, until someone opens the door.