16 Again

The Goo Goo Dolls recently (okay, not that recently) released another compilation album called Volume Two, which I immediately scooped up at the local HMV the other day. Their 'Greatest Hits Volume One' I didn't get because I didn't feel it wasn't worth it at the time, last year. The reason it was worth it this time around was because the music CD comes free with this DVD with all their video clips on it, as well as some songs from their Red Rock concert last year which was said to be made of awesome.

And okay, it was.

The result of this is me playing old Goo Goo Dolls songs on repeat through my PSP as I walk to class every morning. This leads on to, I dunno, me feeling young again? Geez, I make it sound like I'm an old geezer. But y'know what? I do feel old sometimes. If only because I deal with more adultish stuff as time progresses. But with the headphones on and 'Black Balloon' playing in my ears, I feel like I'm 16 again. Okay, so part of being 16 for me was traumatic since it was when I first went to boarding school, but let's not get bogged down on that.

The point is when I was 16 years old, I was inspired. Okay, mostly to write things I would now regard as crap but it's still a beautiful feeling. And it's not just the inspiration, I don't know I feel like lately I've been taking things a lot more slowly. Where there was this dark cloud hovering over me for most of last year, I fear now I'm beginning to get a taste of that self-damaging drug some of my friends get high on from time to time.

Optimism.

And it's baseless. But seriously, I just want to savor it while it lasts. For a few moments, I'm going to treasure this feeling within me that tells me I'll get to do all the things I dreamed of doing when I was younger. I'm going to write a book. I'm going to go to Alaska. I'm going to read a lot again, and find people to discuss these things with me. I'm going to go to plays, and sing too loudly in my room and maybe on the street. The pressures and downs of the Medicine course can take a backseat until I come back down.

And hey, even then, I don't find myself hating the course this year as much as I thought I would. I signed up for the Surgical Society. And I think I might like it.

See? Optimism. Damnit.

But really, I guess I just sat down one day and wondered where it all went. Before SPM, I used to think being a doctor would be cool. Then somehow that notion seemed to transform into a scary vision of how it would amount up to everything I would ever be- another one of those work-strained, goody-two-shoes doctors who has nothing else to talk with his friends apart from stories about his patients, and whose friends are all other doctors.

I'm not so afraid of that anymore.

Medicine is going to be a career I enjoy. And somehow it's not going to rob me of all my other dreams. I'm going to keep fighting for them, and live the way I want to. Finally.

For these few fleeting moments, I'm the happiest man in the world.