Rejected!

Edinburgh rejected me.

No, don't start consoling me. I'm not exactly weeping over it. But I am disappointed. Despite the fact that I didn't want to go there to begin with, the fact that they rejected me brings certain insecurities to the fore. Like for one, the effectiveness of my Personal Statement. Maybe I'm not that great a writer after all. No, well that's something I've always been convinced of. I just didn't think I wasn't as good as uhm, well, Oz and Aqtar. (Farah, I've always been convinced of you being better than me, so your going to Edinburgh is something my ego can swallow.)

And then there's the relationship between me an Oz. No, not, uh, not like that. I mean, being one of the few people I trust in college, the fact is that I've always envied him. He's got the looks, now he's got a girl who can be considered a girlfriend, official statements be damned, and he can sing (remember he was the one who was initially offered the lead singer post for Noreen's band. I was uhm, like a spare part). Sure he's got daddy issues, and I kick his ass in class, but this offer sort of forces me to examine the whole dynamic we've had.

See, the way I've always seen it, Oz and I are two polar opposites. He has his territories -the social life, the girlfriend, the general admiration of the college population- and I have mine- generally the grades, the language (which, even that is arguable seeing that he snatched the 'Best Speaker' title from me during last year's debate tourney), the magazine and the yearbook. By receiving an offer that I didn't, I'm beginning to wonder if I ever was smarter than him to begin with.

Which will, of course lead me to wailing 'LIFE'S NOT FAIR!' at the next opportunity I get.

I've got a bigger ego than I'd like to admit. Though I've never seen myself as 'better' than Oz, now I can't see myself as someone who's on equal ground either. It stings a lot more, seeing the fact that I'm generally mean to him. (as he pointed out a few days before going home. I can't remember what I said, but he said, 'You enjoy mocking me, don't you?' And hey, I had to admit it. I do.)

So, how do I handle this? Be less mean to him? That would be admitting defeat. Be meaner? Don't talk to him at all?

(sigh) I guess I just need these next three weeks of holiday to sort out where I stand. Ever since coming to college, I've been building up my self-confidence (which people tell me I lack) piece by piece. Now it's all gone and tumbled back to the ground again. So here I am again, starting from scratch.

Wish me luck, people.

Oh, and happy holidays.