Nice Guys Finish Last

But is that legitimate reason to be not nice? I wonder. I'm not sure where I fall under. Nice or not nice. I can be downright heartless to some people, and yet I become a doormat to others. Nowadays I'm becoming more careful as to who I'm nice to. Some people just aren't worth it.

Of course, again, how do you define 'nice'? The willingness to do good things for other people without hoping for a reward? How do you know if you're not subconsciously hoping for a reward? Some forms of altruism are just forms of denial- when you're conscious of wanting someone, you wave it away by repeating to yourself deep inside that you're doing it not because you want something in return. That something in return can be the girl's phone number, acknowledgement, maybe a simple thank you, maybe just a smile. The point here is that there is a want deep there, buried in the intention (or proclaimed lack thereof).

That is the basis of cynicism. The lack of idealism. The belief that everyone wants something out of you, so the last thing you want to give them is your complete trust.

Am I a cynic? Partially so, yes. Life-changing people like Avinder have made me believe to an extent, that purity of intent and goodwill just might exist in a select few individuals. No, I haven't yet figured out how to distinguish them from the crowd.

So is it worth it being nice? That is the ultimate question, isn't it? Literature, art, folklore- the sinners always suffer in the end, those with 'purity' or 'goodwill' always end up happily. Unfortunately, neither of those categories, not when you count their modern incarnations, anyway, conform to the fact that there is no such thing as absolute evil or absolute good. And so we make do with seeing which side is heavier. Even then, it's hard to measure. Is a person good or evil if he murdered someone for revenge, but saved the life of someone else in the same day? Or on a more down-to-earth scale, a person who was rude to his parents, but was kind enough to offer a helping hand to a complete stranger- where does that person fall under? Human beings are just too multifaceted to be lumped into specific categories.

So now we know we can't rely on stories or art for an idea of what path to choose. How about our spiritual links? Religion? Unless you're a part of some death cult, you've most likely been taught about the value of good deeds, and how it is its reward on its own. Sadly, religion (the noun, not the concept or ideal) can be abused. Not necesarrily in the money-hungry church kind of way. Subtler ways. People can be overzealous, having to rely on that thread they hang on to to belittle or chastise others just to give themselves some semblance of worth. Nowadays it's getting hard to distinguish those who are really devout, from those who're just there in the mosque five times a day for show.

How about friends? As Brutus himself said, who you are- the real picture is what the other people see. If you use them as mirrors to look upon yourself, that is when you see the real you. But again, in the very same play, that idea of a 'mirror' to look upon yourself was proven to be exploitable as well. Cassius became that 'mirror' to Brutus, and managed to manipulate him to his own purposes. Arguably, a true friendship was born out of this at the end, but I find that is just a matter of pure coincidence and chance that they just happened to have to band together to fight a war. Enough with the Shakespearean references- friends. That's part of the whole point of having friends, right? So you can have someone tell you that the bad things other people say about you are untrue. So that they can tell you of the good things that make you you.

But when you look at it that way-

That's all they'll ever tell you. "They said I'm snobbish." "Oh no, don't listen to them. We're your friends. We don't think you're snobbish." So yes, they will tell you that it is worth being a nice person, because that's all they will ever say of you. Can you take their word for it, then? Knowing that their praises might not be based on reality, but more of what you really want to hear rather than the truth?

I guess that leaves total strangers then. Completely unbiased, unless if they were raised in such a way that they won't say anything bad about you when you walk up to them unless you can't help it.

Who is honest, these days? Is anyone? The absolute positive, no matter what form it may take- honesty, truth, goodwill, 'being nice', chivalry- it doesn't exist anymore, and it probably never did, save for Prophet Muhammad. Now though, the fact of the matter is- if such an absolute positive does exist, the sad fact is that the said individual would only suffer from it. Honesty is encouraged, but when you're too honest, people call you liars, or they tell you to keep quiet. Goodwill is encouraged too, but when you're known to do everything without protest, other people take advantage of you. So there it is- I guess, the basis of why being a good person entitles you to 'finishing last'. Because when you're a good person, other people won't appreciate it, for some reason or other. If that's the case, surely there's no point in being a nice or good person, right?

Bad boys get the girls. Anti-heroes are loved more than the ones with an actual moral compass. Where does being good land you?

I think, all along, that it has been the wrong question to ask- is it worth it being good or evil? I think the real question is- is it worth it being who we are? If the answer is no, then that is the basis of change, learning and evolving. Because unless you're God, there is no real way to say if you're good or evil. You have some hints based on societies' moral standards, as well as the religion you abide by, but a lot of decisions you make in life will, in the end, be based on who you are rather when who you're expected to be.

If that is the case, why do we worry about the things we do? Because we always wonder if its in any way better to try to do that other thing. A rich kind who sponges of his parents so much that he doesn't have to worry about his future may see the stories we tell and at some point, wonder if he's a good person, and possibly make a change, hoping that the change would give him less guilt about the things he does, if said guilt exists to begin with. A poor kid who does what he's told all the time may wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence, not because he wonders if being good is wrong, it's more towards wondering- 'I've worked my ass off, got good grades, I listen to my parents, and I'm still in the gutter. So is there anything more to life now?'

So do I believe that it could be better to be someone who is not me? Always. It's inevitable. Even if you say you love yourself, there's no stopping that tiny voice inside that asks 'What if?'

So do nice guys finish last? It's impossible to say. Does anyone finish last, considering our varying definitions on 'nice' and 'last'? In the end being first or last is a matter of perspective. Whether you can stop and be content once in a while instead of just blaming other people or yourself for something you don't have.

So to my situation- is it worth being nice to anyone? For the major part- no. I used to try to be nice to everyone because to me, 'everyone' existed in such a small number. I never had enough friends that I could afford to be selective. The few I had were precious to me, and I was desperate to keep them.

But I've walked on the opposite side of that road as well. If there's anything I can take pride on when social animals like Azrieal make fun of me, it's that I know what it's like to be both. In the end what I've learned is that no matter how much friends you have, you always, always have the privilege of being selective as to who your closest circle is. Even if they were small in number to begin with. As time passes, there are friends you just expel from that circle out of necessity. Because not everyone can afford to be there for everyone all the time. And you can't wait for them.

Doesn't mean they won't be back. But the main point, thankfully, is that you won't have to wait for that to happen. So in the meantime, you can pick who you want to be nice to, and not worry about what happens to the others.

Thank you, Nicholas Pang.